Dear Diary:
Sorry I haven’t been loyal to you lately, but it’s February – the notorious enemy of The D’Aprile girls. We start dreading it in January and believe me, it never disappoints when it comes to twenty eight days of annoying, painful, and often costly face slapping. As Thumper’s mommy always said (before she was fatally burnt to a crisp),”If you can’t say something nice……”.
We refer to it as the “F” Month. Both of our parents passed away during the Big “F”, and ever since bad luck just seems to manifest and raise its ugly head at this time of year. Appliances will fail and break. People we normally love will trend towards barely tolerable. Aches and pains are prominent, vehicles misfunction, the list goes on an on. The world just becomes so aggravating that we wonder if we’ll get through it unscathed, with no permanent scarring.
“shhhhh, say nothing….”
Guess I’m breaking that ridiculous little mommy deer rule cuz here goes. We actually posted a chart in the workplace to keep track of how many times we said the word “hate” in one day. Becky and I were on page two by noon. Seems it’s not just my family, or maybe it’s my own personal bad juju that’s affecting my pal like this. Whatever. All things great and small annoy me. Following is a short list of Big “F” antics that threaten to push me right over the perverbial edge.
Boy “Bilers – True story. Group of Lucky’s buddies out riding this past weekend – someone’s sled malfunctions. They call ME, (the one who worked all day to finance this two hundred mile jaunt), to come play rescue. “Hello, honey? Can ya just go get the truck out of storage, gather up lots of straps, and come to Boondocks to get us?”
“Take a bit of good advice….”
Well guess what boys. I belong to Team Home. I keep the fires burning, I prepare the food you will eat when you get home, I keep the beers cold. You’re all grown up now, all of you fifty years of age and older, and you need to fix your own crap. Tow it with your teeth for all I care, or leave the dead soldier of a sled there til spring. Not my problem, but I’ll be happy to make a call for you. God bless Billy McGough, my hero of the Big “F” Month.
Appliances: Right on target, hot water heater takes a little vacation, on a work day of course. Day starts with a chilly shower. Now really, where oh where can we go from there? Totally crabby for the rest of the shift – can’t be helped.
Vehicle: Battery dies, cool hundred buckaroos to replace…
“and shhhhh, say nothing…..
Roof Dumping – The only part of winter I detest. I’m a happy little ground shoveler – including the storage building doors and doors and doors, but when Mr. Roof decides to let go things get tricky. Hence aches and pains, cuz shoveling concrete is not what I signed up for. Dear Big “F” warmup – I hate your guts. Oops, there’s that word again…
“Think of friendly things to say”… How’s this for friendly? The StupidBowl. Millions of folks spend tons of mula to watch their favorite ball chasers, well, chase balls. Some twelve hundred morons or so paid top dollar this year for seats that didn’t exist. Not gonna lie – that did make me chuckle. Those who watched it from home or local gin mills suffered mightily from hangovers and heartburn on the day after. America just gets smarter and smarter.
“that’s the path to follow”….
Presidential address – No, I will not watch it Live. I simply cannot bear the applause. Were these things always pep rallies? Can we really be saved by innovation? Wonder if they’re interested in my latest invention. I call it The Shuttup Machine. When someone drones on and on about themselves and their past accomplishments a handy little device appears, punches them in the face, and peace prevails. Take that China.
“If you can’t say something nice, close your lips and swallow”….Hey, I’ve watched Dr. Phil once or twice. .It’s a proven fact that holding things in is not healthy and promotes unrest. The Big “F” is a perfect time to let loose, share a little animosity, and put the fake smiles away til March.
So, Dear Diary, where did all that happy dappy advice get Thumper’s beloved mommy? Turned her to toast. Or speedies. I will continue to be mean for now, cuz that’s the only thing that makes me happy and it might just keep me from spontaneously combusting during this long unhappy month.
