My personal war: Secrets for prevailing against annoying insects

This has been one incredibly wet soggy Spring, and while my flowers are oh so happy there has been a huge downside to all the rain.

I, for one, am waging my own personal war against the travesty that is trying to force me inside my deep-woods home during the few warm months that Mother Nature bestows on the North Country.

The Bugs.

Is it just me, or are these critters waaaay bigger and hungrier than in past years? Following is a little letter to this entire community of creeping, crawling or flying insects:

Dear Ants:

Ya almost had me there. One day nuttin. The very next day you tried (and semi succeeded) to enter our home from each and every eentsie weentsie crack or crevice.

I’m sure you were quite amused by my ninja warrior tactics-i.e. stomping and screaming with vaccum in one hand and Ace Ant Spray in the other.

I’m pretty sure you’re not laughing now; once again thanks to another Ace product spread all around our home which successfully eradicated your entire colony. WINNING. And not in a Charlie Sheen kind of way, cuz I really won this one. Nary a stupid ant to be found, inside OR out.

Dear Black Flies:

How I hate you. I despise your tiny little bodies as well as your big huge blood sucking teeth; and I cannot for the life of me figure out your purpose on this earth. The welts you leave on my neck are despicable, painful, and take days and days to go away. I will fight you till the death with my impressive supply of Deet laced products which really do deter your horrible species.

Truly, you should be ashamed of your heritage-no one likes you guys.

Dear Mosquitoes:

Well well, lookie here. It seems that you, in particular, have been amazingly empowered by the excessive rainfall amounts this year. I’ve never, EVER, seen such long legs, or huge bodies, on your kind in the past.

My advice to you? Put the fork down!!! You’re foraging a destructive path, like many other Americans, directly into obesity due to your voracious appetites.

True, many of you are the size of my car this year, but I will not back down. How lucky was I to be one of the first to purchase an Off Clip-On? I’ve been screaming it from the rooftops-if you haven’t done so yet please-oh-please do yourselves a favor and giddy up down to Kinney’s for one of these babies-they’re amazing!

Ha ha Mosquitoes. I’m still gardening while you hover around me but dare not enter the protective shield billowing from my Clip-On.

In addition to my new clippy little friend I have purchased truck loads of citronella candles, tikis, and anything else available-so keep on flyin by suckers.

Remember that fateful night last week when you all had the audacity to enter my kitchen while I was preparing dinner? How’d that work out for ya?

Admittedly I was a bit out of control (again), but the fact that I now leave your smashed mutilated bodies upon the kitchen window screens appears to be a nice little shout-out to your friends and family-THIS WILL BE YOU IF YOU TRY TO ENTER.

I hope you, your grandparents, and your unborn children become diabetic this summer resulting in stinger fallout. Take that. Clearly you are trying to mess with a true Warrior here.

Dear Greenies:

No doubt you are cringing while reading this. I am mightily contributing to the eventual demise of our planet by using many of these products (yup, kinda rapture-y for sure), but if it makes you feel any better I do recycle religiously.

This is my personal war and I need to fight it with all available weapons, so the Greenie Gloves need to come off.

The Enemy can suck my blood, but they will NOT take my summer soul, and I will not be forced into my home in such beautiful weather.

We humans need to band together here-I’m pleading with you to visit your local stores and help me win this war!