We are all familiar with the term “deal breaker,” which can consist of something really big or be hidden in the tiniest of details…
Back to Sister Lisa, Diva of Dating, who has just celebrated an entire year of dating after divorce.
Oh boy, she is so much wiser, so much more savvy, so incredibly slick when it comes to Plenty of Fish that I am unbelievably impressed and oh-so-proud of her mad skill and accumulated knowledge.
Shall we share? Beware before proceeding. Some of the deal breakers are painful to read about, but no real names have been used to protect the… um… shall we call them Dear Johns?
Yes, I think we will because afterall that’s where their lame emails and texts have landed, in the Dear John pile of doom.
As I’ve mentioned in earlier writings this socialization of elders usually transpires in some restaurant, somewhere. (See how discreet I’m being? The Johns will never recognize themselves!)
You may recall that this sister is a classic middle child overachiever who despises failure, more particularly failure to complete virtually ANYthing.
She finishes what she starts. There are never loose ends flapping about when she closes a chapter in her life, whether it’s exercising, continuing education, or in this case, Johns.
Lucky for me she shares it all with her baby sister. I am proud to say that she consults me constantly and once we are able to maintain our dignity after snorting, guffawing laughter, a solution is discussed.
Oh, and the Test. There’s always a test and God help those that fail because they are fluffed off into the deal breaker category.
One fella in particular we had high hopes for…his profile was amazing!
Part I on Lisa’s test is fitness, it’s a huge part of her life and she cannot waste time on a slug. Her grueling four-mile walk around the lake she lives by is a breeze for her so she can imagine nothing short of keeping up, not to mention short of breath.
Apparently this gentleman failed to mention his asthmatic condition. He got half-way around the lake and had to break out his inhaler.
Please know right now that I would’ve paid a handsome sum of cash to see her face on that one.
They had to turn around and head back and I can only imagine the look on her face—probably the same look I saw when I borrowed her undies way back when.
Not so funny when it was me, of course, but downright hysterical when it’s someone else.
The poor dude was all kinds of sweaty and no doubt feeling quite ill. He tore off his layers of outerwear only to reveal the tee shirt that exposed…oh no…bigger breasts than hers. DOUBLE D-EAL BREAKER AND TEST FAILURE! Dear John.
Or how ‘bout the winner (so we thought) that didn’t reveal until date #3 that he won the award of sole child custodian in his divorce, which didn’t sound so bad (we’re not keen on baggage) and then the ugly details emerged.
His “children” were well into their 20s, still living with him, and obvious Failure to Launchers.
All snugged in with their daddy and still on his insurance— um, no.
Clearly the winner was his wife and there’s no way on God’s green earth that we will deal with that in an amicable way.
We are proud to say that our children have launched quite successfully with no intentions of ever returning home. Dear John.
Or this one: classic slow talker. Long on think, annoyingly pokey with his words.
The kind of date that makes a gal want to shove the salad fork down his throat to help scrape out the conversation before her eyes totally glaze over and she nods off prior to the main course arrival.
See ya John. You are Deal Breaker material personified.
Or Mario—straight from the home country and had amazing potential.
However, as we all know many Italians are unable to express themselves accurately without accompanying hand gestures and his were quite pronounced.
So pronounced, in fact, that he not only whacked her fork which was midway to her mouth, food on it of course, causing an embarrassing spill, but then toppled her wine glass. See ya John-o, failed the Restaurant Test miserably.
Currently we have a possible keeper and his name, ironically, happens to be John. More wholesome than free range chicken—not my type but she finds him “refreshing.”
I am currently trying to introduce a new Test which involves some unladylike language, just to see how he handles it.
Not sure she’ll go for it but I feel this is extremely important if he ever makes the invitation list to a holiday table with the D’Apriles.
We might just get to meet this one and I will greet him warmly with a hearty Dear John.
So hang in there dating seniors. Perseverance pays off, and I promise you many laughs along the unpaved path of dating after divorce. Here’s to Lisa. I heart my dear sister!