Quick and inexpensive remedy for sticky snoring situation
Who remembers this: “It’s raining it’s pouring the old man is snoring…” Well I sure do. I’ve been plagued by snorers my entire life, starting with my father. His obnoxious snoring could be heard throughout the entire house, and I always felt so sorry for mom, forced to sleep right next to him.
Now I feel sorry for me. As luck would have it, I too try to rest my weary head next to a man who makes the same horrible noises my dad did, and it wrecks my world. And honestly, even the dog has picked up his nasty habit—they snore in unison.
Clearly, this affliction is not even close to new, although the studies and “remedies” have turned into a big fat paycheck for someone in a white coat somewhere. Or probably more accurately, lots of someones.
So why, then, has there been no sure cure? There are sleep labs, mouthpieces and guards, special pillows, and even surgery that supposedly can silence the snorers, but none seem to be completely successful.
We’ve all tried the good old fashioned way of stopping the madness, i.e., kicking, punching, verbal abuse, all to no avail. The results are short-lived and the silence lasts only until the stupid eyes close again.
May I suggest a simple test? While your snorer is awake make him/her clamp their eyelids shut and watch what happens. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Did the mouth pop open? Of course, I’m LMAO picturing you trying this.
Good news, folks! Yours truly, with no pricey lab tests or gadgets, has come up with a sure-fire way to keep your snoring partner from ruining your life. It’s really quite simple. As soon as their eyes close, their mouths open. That right there is the entire problem—they just can’t shut the hell up, even in slumber.
So what does one do with (or to, as the case may be) lips that won’t clamp shut? Why, you shut them yourself. “……he bumped his head and went to bed and never got up in the morning!”
I’m guessing that old man ‘bumped his head’ on the swinging hammer his poor wife was wielding and she probably ended up in jail for a crime that was totally justifiable.
“Forty years, Your Honor, and I haven’t slept a wink. Go ahead and haul me away. Please, just give me a private cell.”
So back to my solution to this age old problem. It’s duct tape folks, good old fashioned high stick tape needs to be firmly smashed onto the offending mouth as soon as the lips part. This simple but effective act forces the snorer to breathe through the nose, just like God intended.
Oh, there are downsides at first (all that choking, struggling, and wheezing) but trust me, they can be trained. After a week or so of waking up with a glued together mouth the learning process proves itself worthy, and the noise level tapers off.
See? No big money investment, just blissful night-time silence. Nothing a warm water with peroxide solution can’t take the edge off of in the morning (swish and spit—all better!)
One warning however, watch the mustache. For some reason that appears to be a sticky issue, literally.
Ahhhhh…sweet dreams… who’s sleeping NOW??
